This is one I have been writing for two years. I kept feeling like I was missing the mark, that something was missing. But during Suicide Prevention Month, I think it is time for me to make the jump and just post it. In this one I am going to be more vulnerable than I ever have been and as terrifying as this is, I am choosing to do this in hopes that it will help someone out there in need.
**TRIGGER WARNING**
I was hit with one trial after another in my childhood. There were many traumatic experiences that have defined who I am today. Some of those include: at the ripe old age of 10 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. I tried to take my life for the first time that same year and was suicidal for many years to come. I was severely bullied all throughout elementary school. I developed an eating disorder when I was 14 and struggled with anorexia for 6 years. I developed IBS that was triggered by stress at 15. I was in an abusive relationship at 19 that left me hollow and feeling like I was incapable of ever being enough or ever being loved. I felt like there was no hope for me. I was just a complete mess, covered in scars and cracks that could never be healed. My life genuinely looked perfect from the outside… but on the inside, I was completely and utterly lost in the dark and hollow prison my trauma had locked me in.
There was a lot I had to swallow before the age of 20. By my early 20’s I thought I had finally overcome it all. I spent most of my 20’s feeling like I had overcome my worst demons. Fast forward to the end of 2018 and everything came back in a vicious and destructive flood all at once. I realized that I had not overcome my demons, but rather I buried them deep down only to resurface when I least expected. On top of previous mental health diagnosis from my childhood, at age 28 I was also diagnosed by three different doctors with Complex PTSD which had developed from earlier trauma in my life and manifested in ways I couldn’t cope with on my own. I don’t tell you this to gain sympathy or pity. I am telling you this because I know it will resonate with many of you out there. I believe that by sharing our stories we can empower others in the world to overcome.
Mental illness is real and it is spreading like wild fire. Even though discussing mental illness is becoming less and less taboo, I still see too many people hiding their struggles behind masks to appear more “normal” for so many reasons. None of us are perfect and we all have different trials and journeys that we will endure in this lifetime. But this doesn’t mean that we have to allow our individual struggles to define us.
The thing about these illnesses and trials is that they consume us with darkness. Sometimes that darkness becomes a thick, weighted blanket that we cannot escape from. Do I still have dark days, weeks, even months, and sometimes YEARS? Absolutely. There are times I don’t think I will ever be happy again. And I want to be clear. It’s okay to allow yourself to experience the feelings that come throughout our lives, both good and bad. It’s okay not to be okay. In fact, it is important to embrace your emotions rather than hiding them and burying them under the surface. Feeling is such an important part of healing. But I have learned that there is one thing that will always dispel the darkness. The answer is Light. If you light a candle in a dark room, what happens to the darkness? The darkness is expelled and can no longer exist so long as that candle is still burning. Sometimes that light will come slowly and start out dim and sometimes it can feel like that light will never reveal itself. But SEEK YOUR LIGHT because I promise it is there! Some days you may only be hanging on by no more than a pinky finger in hopes for that light to finally break through the darkness. But I am begging you DO NOT LET GO!!! Find what your light is and run toward it! For me the light translated to what are my strengths or victories that I can focus on and be proud of? Sometimes that strength was small. An example would be just getting out of bed in the morning and moving to the couch with my flat mates when all I wanted to do was hide from the world. Sometimes those victories were big. An example would be that I moved across the world with enough confidence in myself and my abilities that I could build my own life. Another would be when I finally opened up to my therapist about the abuse I faced as a young adult as this allowed me to face my problems that I didn’t even know I was ignoring by burying them. You cannot allow yourself to play the victim card your entire life or you will rob yourself of the fullness of actually living. You will still experience sorrow, grief, pain, anger as such bad things will still come into your life from time to time. The goal is to get up, dust yourself off, and continue to try and show up Every. Single. Day! Will it be easy? Absolutely not. But we can do it together and it will be crucial to have joy in the journey and find the happiness you thought was forever lost.
Sometimes, you will need the assistance from a professional to overcome what is currently holding you back. And that is okay! There is nothing weak about opening up your darkest and most secret parts of your soul to someone that is trained to help you. In fact, I would argue there is nothing braver than opening up your protective and wounded parts to someone that knows how to help you literally change and develop new strengths out of our trials. Accessing those spaces is terrifying. But always remember, you are learning to become an elevated version of your best self and you are a warrior!
One of my favorite quotes is by Marjorie Pay Hinckley who says “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.” What a great outlook on life!
For those of you who do not struggle with mental health but have someone in your life who does, please know that mental health struggles are real. If someone you love had any kind of illness, would you encourage them to get the medical help they need? OF COURSE YOU WOULD! Mental health is no different. Sometimes we need professional help, a listening ear of a friend, and arms to hold us together when our souls are crumbling to pieces. Show us we are not a burden to you, because we believe that we are. Show us we are not alone, because we believe that we are. Show us you still love us while we try to learn to love ourselves.
I hope that we all learn to have the ability to look into the mirror, look straight into your demons, and still be able to see just how powerful and you are. I don’t care how bruised or broken you are or how many wrong turns you have made in life. You have the power within you to overcome them all and conquer your inner demons, even when you feel like all hope is lost. Stay as positive as you can, even if that positivity is nothing more than showing love and empathy for others. Celebrate your little victories every day. Hold onto that light. The darkness never lasts and the light of the morning will always come to expel the darkness.
You don’t every have to go through your struggles alone, even if you feel like you are. There are always friends, family, professionals, co-workers, etc. who are willing to lend a helping hand. Sometimes we just need to take the first step and reach out for help. I know we can all get through this together.
**If you are struggling and need help, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255**